Some Reflection

It has been an emotionally intense few weeks here at the Machon so I thought I would share some of the issues and feelings that have been consuming me for a while. I want to preface this post with the fact that I have done a lot of soul searching since I arrived, and that I am still very much working through how I feel and where I stand on a lot what I will be discussing, that I have come to question a lot more about what I used to take as a given than I ever expected, and that I am being challenged in ways that I never thought that I would.

I am not really sure where to start because there is so much to say, but since I have been talking with some friends here about Zionism and whether I identify myself as a Zionist, I may as well begin here. I could write books about this, but I'll try to stick to what has been in the front of my mind recently. Am I a Zionist? Well, at this point, I don't think I would identify as "Zionist" but I am certainly not an anti-Zionist. I have been struggling a lot with the notion of a Jewish State. Not the existence of Israel, but Israel as a Jewish State. Realizing (not that I didn't know before) and truly understanding the implications of maintaining Israel as a Jewish state is really problematic in many ways. It requires discrimination, racism, and inequality to maintain such a reality. My humanitarian side, my fundamental values of pursuing social justice, are violated.

On the other hand, I can't imagine not having a Jewish State. I do not feel a deep connection to land in the way that I expected to when I came here, but I can not describe what it is like to be part of the majority. It is assumed that you are Jewish. It is built into the social structure and the culture. There is no where else in the world that I could go to study Jewish text in the depth or breadth, surrounded by Jewish culture, so fully immersed in this way of life.

Even though I have no intention of making aliyah, I would still feel a great loss if Israel no longer exists. Spiritually more than anything, but my Judaism is definitely somehow connected to a Jewish State. I think it is important for diaspora Jews, who have every intention of remaining diaspora Jews to have the foundation, to have a "home."

So, how do I reconcile these two competing needs? First, as my good friend Anna put it, if I questioned the right of any state to exist based on treatment of minorities, human rights, etc. there would be no countries. I think what I struggle with most is the fact that these policies are somehow connected to Judaism.

Regardless, I do think that there can be a Jewish state with less discriminatory laws against the Bedouins, the Arab-Israelis, the Palestinians, and the non-Ashkenazi Jews that live here. I think that there can be equal rights for these citizens and that the integrity of the Jewishness of the state can be maintained. I am not suggesting that I would be ok if there was "only some" discrimination or that minorities get almost equal rights, I am just saying that I do not think a Jewish state and equal rights are necessarily mutually exclusive. Perhaps in the manifestation of the state as we know it today, with the agenda and the motivations that drive these policies, but as an ideal, I like to think that it is not impossible. But I wonder.

I have been applying to graduate school (I really shouldn't be sharing this, for what happens if I am not accepted?) which has forced me to think long and hard about what I actually want to do with my life. Conflict Resolution. In the Middle East. My personal views on Israel as a Jewish State are important to this questions. As are the emotions that I have experienced when listening to my fellow students talk about some of their stories, some of the terrible experiences they have had while going through checkpoints or serving in the Army. In some respects I feel very much like an outsider. I can absolutely empathize with them, but I can only imagine what it must be like. That puts me in an ideal position to do mediation, conflict resolution work, right? Well, hearing these stories and listening to the reactions of other students has also forced me to confront my biases and prejudices. I have had physical reactions to both the stories and the responses - pain, anger, frustration, confusion, sadness.

So, can I really do this type of work? If I needed to be objective, not to take a side, go against my feelings (which I am sometimes embarrassed and horrified by) would I be able to? On the other hand, I am aware of the fact that my initial emotional reaction is not necessarily representative of what is just or what should be. I realize that I have to take a step back to look at the facts, to really listen to both sides, to acknowledge and validate all of the experiences here. But it is so hard. Hard to confront my demons, the fact that my gut reaction is not always what I think is just. Will I burnout if I actually try to make this my career? But I am passionate about it. And I have tried to find other passions, other directions, but I have not been satisfied. And emotions are important. How else can one relate to others, to understand, to realize that the intangible affects the tangible and that these feelings are what inform or actions?

I do not expect to find any "answers" to these issues, but I am excited, an perhaps a bit nervous, to see what I discover during the rest of my time here. A lot can happen. After all, I have only been here for two and a half months and I still have six to go.

- M